Principles to Greatness and Overcoming Stuck~ness

Wherever you are right now in your life, I will take a shot in the dark, and guess that there is an area you would like to improve. Maybe it's your health, relationships, work life, parenting, or even feelings of depression and anxiety. Perhaps you are over-stressed and overwhelmed, and aren't sure what to do to shift into a better feeling place.

Here's the thing I know about how to get unstuck: You have to intentionally move forward.

Whether it is a tiny move, or a bold move, to get unstuck you have to step forward, and keep stepping forward toward what you want more of in your life.

Need to get exercising becasue you want to slim down and get in better shape, but everything feels lke too much? Lace up those shoes and vow to take a 10 minute walk. Chances are, once you get going you will keep goin linger!

Want to clean up your diet, but a complete overhaul feels daunting? Start with having a smoothie in the morning and incorperating more vegetables into your day.

Do you wake up in the morning feeling uninspired and unmotivated? Have something to look forward to once you get up.

Feeling overwhelmed with your to-do list? Unplug, and do something for yourself to reset your system. Even if it is just for 30 minuted. Sometimes when I am feeling this way, I plug into an inspiring pod cast, or audio book from one of my favorite new thought authors, and the feelings shift into feeling more on track, and remind me of why I am here on this earth, and it is not to feel stuck, overwhelmed, and stressed out!

As an entrepreneur, and mother of 3 I wear many hats. I play many roles, and often have so many things on the go at once, I can get pretty overwhelmed. I have to blance out my creative side tha wants to plan and be onto the next thing, with my need for grounding and integrating what I have already accomplished - and allow myself a rest day. 

I woke up this morning with a feeling of heaviness and questioning why I am doing what I am doing - maybe going back to school and getting a 'real' job would be easier than all this work to build my own dreams  (a feeling known by every single entrepreneur at times!)
I sat with this feeling for awhile, got up go the kids off to school at settled in for my morning ritual of coffee, feeling grateful to have the morning off. I even overcame the urge to open my laptop and get a bit of work in before my afternoon clients - intuitively knowing I needed to leave the to-do list, I put on an inspiring podcast for entrepreneurs that really shifted my mindset. I was reminded of why I am doing what I am doing, and 

It's OK to fall, have struggles, or times when we feel like giving up - the key is not to stay there. If you find yourself in a funk, feeling overwhelmed, and discouraged, here are my 8 principles to finding your way through, and coming out the other side. 

1) Accept where you are fully as if you had chosen it. Own it and let whatever you feel be what it is. No judging yourself or piling on the guilt or shame for feeling how you are feeling. Fighting how we feel is the surest way to anchor those feelings within, and prevent them from moving through us. Emotions need to move. 

Feel it to heal it.

A Holistic Counsellors Guide to PMS: 10 Things to Do When You Are At The End of Your Rope

If you are reading this, my guess is that you have been struggling with your own version of 'period pain' for a long time, and you are sick and tired of dreading this time of the month. Maybe you have to organize your life around this time, and it takes over your life for 10 or more days every month.Maybe you have tried many things to heal, and nothing has made a whole lot of difference, and you are frustrated and feeling hopeless. I get it. I have been there. I am here to tell you that you are not alone.

There is hope. You can feel better. You can heal yourself. 

My journey through severe hormone imbalance, and adrenal burnout has been a really long a tough road. There were times when I questioned if I would ever fully recover from where I was at.
I have been determined to heal naturally, despite doctors telling me the only way to resolve my issues were through synthetic hormone therapy, anti-depressants, anti-anxiety medications, or worse, surgery. I did not want to go there.

My mission is to empower and educate women to take their power back in all areas of their life, and in doing so, these issues will resolve on their own!

Menstrual problems are related to Sacral Chakra issues. I found a great article explaining this and what to do here.

I felt inspired to write about a topic I have never written about before, specifically for women out there that are suffering greatly with premenstrual symptoms. PMS is labeled as a "syndrome" because there is no other way to label this time of the month, when many women experience a notable shift in their hormones and how they feel. Let me start by saying, there is nothing wrong with you, you are not crazy, and it is not your hormones. It is the relationship you have with yourself. That is where it begins.

If our hormones are out of balance, we have to look within to find the answers. No pill or potion is going to cure what needs to be addressed at the emotional-soul level.

Instead of treating this time as some sort of illness we are afflicted with every month, I want to invite you to see this time of the month differently, and to give you some direction toward discovering the underlying messages beneath the symptoms.

Common emotional symptoms that women report 7-10 days before their period starts are irritability, short fuse, anger, rage, depression, feeling raw emotionally, crying more easily, and the feeling of needing to retreat from life altogether.

Let me start by saying that there is no pill that will cure your premenstrual agony. It may mask or cover up the symptoms, but the root issue will still be simmering beneath the surface, and it will get louder and louder until you pay attention to what your body is trying to tell you.

We are not a compartmentalized system, everything effects the other. Our emotional health effects our physical health, and our brain and health are absolutely connected.
So this is why it is so important to take a holistic approach when we are trying to heal ourselves mentally, emotionally and physically.

If you go to your doctor they will likely suggest hormone pills, or antidepressant medication to take away the symptoms. In some cases, antidepressants can be useful for some people, however for the majority of us, we can turn things around by dealing with our physical health, emotional/mental health, using food as medicine, discovering underlying food allergies and sensitivities, and getting specific testing done to determine what hormones are off balance.

I help women deal with their overall health, including hormone issues. I assist them to get a handle on their emotional well-being, and reduce their overall stress load as a starting place. We also address their primary relationships and determine if this could be a source of stress and anxiety that feeds the physical symptoms. I also assist them in making dietary shifts including omitting certain foods that are stressful to our bodies, such as sugar and caffeine, alcohol, and processed foods. I also start them out with a manageable exercise plan if they are new to exercise, and encourage them to reduce the intensity if they are over-exercising. All of these things combined have a cumulative effect, and will work over time to balance things out. I am not going to lie and say this is easy, because it isn't! Doing this work of personal and lifestyle transformation takes determination, and passion.
  You have to want it so badly, that you will do whatever is within your power to create better health. You will spend money, you will educate yourself about nutrition, and seek support from health practitioners that can guide you along the path. Where there is a will, there is a way.



I also encourage women to record their cycles and symptoms so that they can learn to tune in to their body and its changing needs.

This time of the month is the perfect barometer for how well we are caring for our whole being the month prior. Pay attention, and you will see a pattern of worsening symptoms if you had a stressful month, little self-care time, had a few late nights and a few too many drinks, lost a job or had conflicts within the family or your intimate relationship. What you do the month prior to your period will effect how you feel premenstrually, and how severe your periods are. The bottom line, take good care of yourself every single day if you want to improve how you feel!

There was a time where I was struggling deeply in my marriage, and the urgency to deal with what was no longer OK with me was most intense right before my period. It would create a dramatic episode, leaving me feeling awful, depressed and questioning if I even wanted to be married. Now this was not simply because of a hormone shift, I now know that it was my soul telling me what I most needed to look at in my life. Where other times during the month I was able to contain it, and suppress it and just soldier on with day-to-day life, I was not able to during this highly intuitive time. It took me awhile to connect the dots, and start to pay attention to my emotional state even more during this time. I encourage you to practice this as well. Journal your cycles and pay attention to what comes up 7-10 days before your period.

Our flow time is a time of releasing and letting go. You may find that you have an emotional release that feels like it is coming from the depths of your soul during this time, if you are allowing yourself to feel your feelings that is. And just know that this is HEALTHY! It is healthy to FEEL! So many women feel shame around their heightened sensitivity and emotion - we need to stop this now, today. It ls literally making us sick to deny how we feel.

When we are stressed, and our adrenal glands are tired and can't produce enough cortisol to keep up with the demand, they will start to take from our progesterone stores. So it is common for someone with adrenal fatigue to also have low progesterone, which messes with our cycle big time!

It is not one thing that is going to heal you, but the accumulation of caring for all aspects of your being. A food intolerance test and avoiding foods you are sensitive to is important, so is eating a nutrient dense organic diet, exercise, having a spiritual practice and understanding of energy medicine and metaphysical principles and how it relates to health. But just one or two of these are not going to be enough to heal dis-ease. It is the whole picture. Now I am not going to tell you that changing everything at one is necessary, in fact I don't recommend overhauling everything at once. Instead start somewhere, start to build the momentum toward feeling better, and add things in as you go along. It is all about balance.

If you are experiencing physical and emotional symptoms that are heightened during your premenstrual time, here are 4 things I recommend that you do to get started:

1) 7-10 days before your period, start to increase your self-care and relaxation practices. Become more introspective, and go within. Take time alone. You can get my free Women's Guide to Vibrant Health today on my website. This guide will show you how to make self-care a priority toward improving your health. What comes up emotionally during this time needs our attention. Journal, have lots of reflective time, meditate, get into nature, talk through your experience with a trusted friend or professional. These will all serve you greatly to begin your healing process.

2) If you are able to invest in your health I highly recommend seeing a naturopath to get a definitive diagnosis of what is going on hormonally through saliva testing, as well as having a food allergy panel testing done through a blood test. These two tests will show a whole lot regarding what is going on inside your body, and focusing on these 2 things alone will transform your health incredibly, if you adhere to the protocol prescribed, and avoid foods that you are sensitive to.

3) Feel what you feel. During this time of the month, our feelings of what is not working in our lives are emphasized, and impossible to ignore. You may also find when you begin to pay attention, that the same things come up for you every single month at the exact same time of your cycle! Whatever it is, be grateful your body's intuitive wisdom is working to protect you, and guide you toward what you need to heal and address in your life. Allow yourself to cry, feel irritable, frustrated, sad ...release it. Allow it to move through you. Don't stuff, judge it, or avoid feeling it, you will only make it worse. And your body will just get louder and louder to get your attention!

4) Buy a beautiful moon time journal specifically for recording your emotions, physical symptoms, and what comes up for you 7-10 days before and during your period. You will find great insights with this practice. And it helps to be in tune with where our body is at during the month, and phases of our cycle. Alternatively there are apps that you can track this in the same way, I like the old school paper journals myself, but do what feels right for you.

5) Pay attention to your nutrition. This is a whole other subject I could go into depth with. But sugar, alcohol, caffeine and processed foods mess with our hormones! So use these in small amounts. Also avoid pesticide sprayed produce, go for organic as much as possible, as well as conventional animal products that contain hormones and antibiotics. This includes dairy products, which should be consumed in small amounts as it can be inflammatory and is difficult to digest for many people.

6) Subdue your Stress. When we are chronically stressed, our adrenals glands which pump out our stress hormone cortisol eventually become depleted, and eventually start taking from our Progesterone. When this happens, you will start to see worsening PMS and period problems.
Out-of-control stress is surely part of the picture no matter what your health symptoms may be. Reducing our stress load is crucial to the healing process and improving PMS and period problems.

7) See a holistic centered therapist that can help you address areas of your life that you can't see clearly. Emotional healing is essential to the process.  It is always helpful to have guidance and support - we are not meant to do this all alone!

8) Exercise. Walk, get out into nature, do some yoga that is safe to do during menstruation. Avoid strenuous activity during your flow time. If you are having hormone troubles, excessive exercise is depleting and stresses the body further. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Exercise from a place of love for your body in ways you enjoy.

9) Invest in care from a Naturopath. They can test for specific imbalances and put you on a natural protocol of supplementation to support your body while you are working on the other areas I have addressed here.

10) Make time for a spiritual practice that grounds you, and and allows you to be present to what is going on within you.

Remember it is the whole picture, you will no resolve this by doing one thing, and ignoring the rest. You also don'y have to do it all at once. Just start somewhere. Seek support, follow your intuition, start putting yourself at the top of the priority list, speak up for your needs and ask for what you want, practice radical self-care.

If you would like to further your study of the mind-body-emotional-spiritual connection to your health and cycles, I highly recommend:

The 7 Stages of Power and Healing by Carolyn Myss
Women's Bodies Women's Wisdom by Christiane Northrup

They are truly two of the best resources of mind-body healing that I am aware of.

If you have any questions, please email info@leanneoaten.com. I am always happy to help.

You can stay connect with me and my message by liking my Facebook Page
and joining my Women's Holistic Health Private Group
Visit my Website for more information.

In health,
Leanne Oaten, R.P.C
Holistic Counsellor

Being Sick Sucks!- What to Do When You Feel A Cold Coming On

It is that time of year unfortunately where more bugs are making their way around. This is when I head out to the health food store to arm myself with all of my go-to remedies to boost immunity.

Here is what I do right when I feel something coming on- the key is to nip it in the bud right when you think you may be getting sick, but aren't sure. You just don't feel yourself, your fatigued, maybe you have a sore throat.

Disclaimer: Please use this for your information and educational purposes only. This is not  intended to be taken as specific medical advice. See your doctor or a Naturopath for specific advice based on your individual needs.

Here are my tips to start immediately at the onset of symptoms:

1) Cut out ALL alcohol, sugar and eating any junk food. Your immune system is already weakened, this will just deplete you further.

2) Go easy on the exercise. When you are sick, your body needs to rest. It will not harm you to take a day or two off to recover.

3) Supplements: Vitamin D (some have recommended up to 10,000 IU at the onset for 5 days during illness) I take 5,000 IU for 5 days. Vitamin C Ascorbic Acid 4,000 mg (2,000 mg daily as overall maintenance), Zinc 15mg/day which is great for the immune system any overall health, and one of my favorite tinctures is St. Francis Deep Immune which you would take every hour when you feel something coming on. I also take pure Oregano from doTERRA which is wicked stuff, but it is so powerful!

4) Rest! Get extra sleep.

5) Eat soups, drink hot herbal teas, do whatever you can to de-stress, relax and calm your nervous system down.

Even with doing all of this, you may still get sick, however hopefully you will recover extra fast, and help your body overcome more easily.

For more on boosting your immunity, I wrote a blog recently about essentials to boosting your immune health for overall wellness here.

Stay well,
Leanne Oaten
Registered Holistic Counsellor
leanneoaten.com

What You Must Know About Weight Loss

Our bodies are a mirror of what is going on within. Whether through physical symptoms or unwanted inches, our body is always speaking to us.

 

This may be a new concept to you if you are someone who believes in the outside in approach to health or weight loss. This also may ruffle a few feathers, and you may even disagree with what I am about to share with you - but I am OK with that. I am OK with that because my desire to spread my hard earned wisdom and message is more important to me than pleasing everyone. The ones who are meant to be transformed by these ideas, will be, the ones that aren't will probably not even finish this whole post. My approach and style is not for everyone, and I am also OK with that. But the ones who resonate with my message, and experience how I work, they feel like they have come home to themselves when they step into my office. Those are the ones I do this for. The ones who are hungry for unconventional, they want something more, they know there has got to be more to this life. Those are the ones I write for, and hope that those that need my message most, will become forever changed. Even the smallest little shift in perception can create a miracle.

I also avoid the using the word 'diet' as it pertains to a strict,  regimented, calorie restricted, and pre-portioned 'plans' and meal replacements - basically any temporary eating plans designed to lose weight. When I use it in my writing, I am referring to typical eating habits - I do not believe in 10 day, 21 day, or any miracle diets that are aimed and marketed for weight loss, unless they are intended to become an overall lifestyle change. Permanent dietary, balanced nutrition changes for health, not weight loss. Not only that, but we have to deal with the emotional reasons why we eat to the point of becoming overweight, and no diet is going to teach us what to do when the urge to emotional eat or binge strikes!

It happens from the inside out NOT the outside in.

I am also not saying that you should try and lose weight if you are truly happy with where you are at. That is why I focus on the health aspect  and effects of unhealthy weight (meaning body fat), because the weight is only a symptom of a bigger underlying problem. Often when we address those root issues, the weight will resolve itself -if our focus is on health.

 

 In our fast -paced, speed of light, technologically driven society, many of us are set up to seek the quickest option to solve our problems. In a day and age where we can find out about a book and 2 minutes later be reading it on our Kindle or listening to it on Audible, purchase online courses right on the spot,  and all of the instant this and that we are inundated with, we are looking for the next quick fix to our health issues, weight loss, and parts of our appearance that we don't like, we are desperate to try anything to correct what we don't like reflected back to us. We want the next quick fix, magic bullet, and we want it now.

 

A little about my story:

 I have struggled with disordered eating, and body image issues for most of my life. Starting around the age of 16, I struggled with anorexia and began restricting my eating. At one point, I weighed 90 pounds and still saw 'fat' in the mirror. I didn't like myself or my appearance. I see now that this manifested because  I felt a lack of control over my life. This was around a period of time when my mother disappeared unexpectedly one day, and my grandmother (who I had a closer relationship with than my own mother) slowly declined in her health, until she passed away right in front of me one dark and horrible day. At this point, I slipped into a deep depression that I have been struggling with my entire life. This was too much trauma for one young soul to bare.

I have carried these and other traumas I experienced as a little girl, with me, inside of my cells tissues and soul for many years.. I didn't know what to do with the pain back then, I was just a kid, so I used food and the hatred I felt for myself and my appearance to take over my life.

It wasn't until my daughters were born, and I felt even more lack of control over my life, and the stress of caring for a toddler and a newborn, as well as my then adolescent son was more than I could handle some days. I used food restriction, frequent cleanse diets, and managing and controlling my food intake as my addiction. I would go between unreasonably strict 'diets' where I convinced myself I was doing for my health (but felt anything but healthy). I would swing back and forth from restricting to compulsive eating, to distract myself from the pain and stress I was feeling, which I see now, mirrored the battle and chaos that was going on within.

My battle with food, and my health, was mirroring

the battle I was fighting within myself.

I share this story to give you a little background and to what I have struggled with in my life when it comes to becoming healthy. I have struggled with all of this, along with depression and anxiety that keep me in a self-created cage for too many precious years of my life. Eventually my body started to scream at me, the biggest way was through complete Adrenal Burnout. I had to listen, I had no choice.

Through many years of working on myself, and integrating all of the aspects of health in all areas,  I have reached the point today where I feel so sure of what I am about to share with you, that I now work with women with my specialized integrative approach, who are struggling emotionally. Almost without fail, when I assess these women, their repressed and unprocessed pain and emotions are showing up in their physical body as illness, or other symptoms. The mind and body are not separate.

Back in 2008, I became a Certified Weight Trainer thinking this would be a good side job while raising my kids, and since I was pumped about health and wellness, this would be a good avenue to take. I worked in the fitness industry for awhile with the intention to become a Personal Trainer, until I started to realize that there is no way I could teach people to push past their body limitations, and exercise like crazy, when I didn't believe this was necessary, or even healthy!

Telling someone who has adrenal fatigue, or other health issues that are depleting and stressing out their body already to push harder, faster, longer did not feel right to me. Is this really healthy? I would wonder. I felt something huge was missing from the picture, looking at it from this one sided dimension.

I believe that exercise should be enjoyable, and part of an overall healthy lifestyle. I have seen people take this to the extreme. Intensive exercise, meal planning  and portion planning,  no carb days etc., can be another mask of disordered eating - if it is taken to the extreme. The bottom line is that we need to be clear about the distinction between healthy and unhealthy. It's knowing whether our eating and exercise plans are being used as a way to feel in control over our life to make up for other areas we feel a lack of control, or to feel important or valuable - if your identity is attached to being the "clean-eating fit person" who only eats certain things- this would be a red flag for me. It is about the relationship we have with food, and body, and if these behaviors are coming from self - love and wanting to get healthy to feel better- and we are enjoying the process. If there is balance, and room for treats, and so called "bad foods" in moderation, if we can let go of the need for perfection, throw away the scales, and the need for 'cheat days' and just live our lives to the fullest.

This is what true health is about. It shouldn't feel restricting or forced! Instead, we are balanced, tuned in, connected, acting from a place of true self - love and honor for this physical body that houses our soul for this short period in time.

 

We see food and exercise as a way to keep our body in top condition for disease prevention and staying optimally healthy for as long as we live - this is the goal of a person with healthy mindset toward nutrition and exercise.

There are many, many people out there living off of rice and chicken breasts, working out intensively 5 of more days every week, who are still overweight. This has got to tell us something!
There is something else going on within. Whether it is a hormone imbalance, thyroid issue, stress or adrenal dysfunction, emotional weight, or compulsive -emotional eating, there is always something else going on underneath, that the perfect diet and exercise plan will not erase.

If your body is under stress, internally through inflammation or other imbalances as I mentioned, your life is in turmoil, your marriage is falling apart, your kids are struggling or stressing you out, you have no time for yourself, money is tight, and on top of all that (no surprise here) you are feeling like sh*t, high intensity workouts put further strain on an already stressed out body!

You will be erasing the positive effects that exercise is supposed to have simply because you have overdone it, and put your body goes into the stress-zone, which causes the adrenal glands to pump out cortisol (stress hormone) like crazy.

This is why some people are able to improve their eating habits, increase their exercise and have a trim physique and good health, and some are not. If you have other stuff going on, you must deal with it - or you will be forever frustrated.

I recall talking to a woman at a fitness center I used to work at, she would tell me how they worked out hard every damn day, high intensity, long and sweaty, was eating a crazy low amount of calories, and couldn't drop the weight no matter what she did. You may know of someone like this, or perhaps you are someone like this. These people report things like "I eat well, I exercise 2 hours every day, and can't lose an inch"

The other side to this coin, is to remember that just because you are not overweight, does not mean you are healthy. There are many skinny unhealthy people out there.

The bottom line, health is not created through one or two things that we do, but through an overall lifestyle change. It's looking at all 6 dimensions that make up a large part of our health, or dis-ease if they are out of balance, mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially and relationally. How are all of these areas in your life? What needs attention? Are you depressed, drinking alcohol every night to numb out, eating late at night to distract yourself from your pain, how's your marriage or primary relationship? Do you love your work or is it a place you feel stressed out constantly and unfulfilled? How are your finances? Is there something there that you need to put attention toward, perhaps speaking to a financial advisor, reading books like Money A Love Story to move through your financial blocks and limiting beliefs?

Yes, I know what you might be thinking right now,  this does sound like a lot of work, it IS a lot of work. Hard work. I can understand why finding that magic pill, supplement, power-shake or exercise regime would feel so much easier, than actually having to look at our entire life. But I am here to tell you that if you are experiencing health issues of any kind, including stubborn weight (which is not the problem but the symptom of something else going on within) you will make very little progress, if you ignore certain areas. Your body will eventually start speaking to you, trying to get your attention.

Stress from ignoring the things that need our attention eventually creates illness in the body.

If you are experiencing health issues such as digestion problems, hormone imbalance, decreased immune function with frequent illness, migraines/ headaches, fatigue, PMS, skin problems including acne and rashes, fat storage around the middle that won't budge, these are all signs that something internal is going on. No cream, pill or potion will heal the root cause. It may mask it for a little while but it won't go away, although it may manifest somewhere else in the body until we start to heal the root cause.

If I could boil all of this down to one thing that is at the center of everything I have just written here, it is unprocessed, repressed emotion, and chronic, out-of-control stress eventually creates dis-ease and weight gain!

So, whatever you are doing toward health, whether this includes losing weight or not, you must do whatever you can to manage and reduce your stress - internally and externally. Decide to do the emotional work required to move on from the past. Gather your holistic health care team, work with a Naturopath, Counsellor, Financial advisor, Massage Therapist, and whatever else works for you to start to regain your balance and stronger foundation.

A side note on: "I can't afford it"

I hear so many times from people how they can't afford certain things when it comes to their health. I can't afford to eat organic, buy supplements, see a naturopath, get counseling, take that workshop etc...I get it, I once held strong to that same self- imposed limitation - but what I do know now, is that I have the power to create the money I need, to put toward the things I value most. And what I value most is my health. We have nothing without our health.  But the key here is to understand, that if you really want something, you will find a way, if not, you will find an excuse. "I can't afford it" can become a comforting excuse to stay stuck.

If finances are an obstacle for you right now, do whatever you can to learn about how to take your power back in this area. Read books, get advice. Start a jar that you ad $10 or $20 or $30  to every day until you have enough to get that massage, see a Naturopath, put toward counseling.

What I do know, is that if we do not do anything different, we will keep getting what we have always had.

Here are 3 tips to set you on the road to better health:

1) Invest in an assessment with  Naturopath to determine if you have any underlying imbalances such as adrenal fatigue, low progesterone, thyroid imbalance, or even anemia.
These conditions create severe havoc in the mind and body and it is well worth the investment to have an official diagnosis so you can treat whatever is going on at the root, with proper supplementation and lifestyle adjustments.

2) Invest in counselling therapy to address any depression, anxiety or emotional trauma that may be hindering your health. Think of this as clearing the cobwebs, or de-cluttering the closet. If we clear out the emotional clutter, we make room for growth and newness to enter in. If you are struggling with your health, or body weight (and this is affecting your health) I would start with getting your testing done, and working with a skilled therapist that practices an integrative approach to counselling, or at least can guide to developing a plan toward untangling your physical and emotional health connection.

3) Start to empower yourself in all areas of your life. This means no longer blaming or making excuses for where you are, but taking ownership and deciding to become more self- reliant and proactive about your health on all levels, and the 6 dimensions of health as I mentioned above.
Start somewhere, don't try to change everything all at once. Seek support and surround yourself with people who are on the same journey, who will encourage you when you are feeling discouraged and remind you of your goals and dreams when you begin to doubt yourself.


I hope this helps you to see the bigger picture when it comes to health, nutrition and exercise.
It is everything we do, not one thing that determines health. Find what works for you (even within this blog) and leave the rest. If what I have covered here doesn't resonate, or you aren't interested in healing work - and many aren't - no judgement. You have to do what feels correct for you.
Also be aware of when your ego is taking over filling your mind with doubt, limiting thoughts, and resistance. Sometimes we can think something is stupid, crazy, or ridiculous, but something deep in our soul is whispering...yes..this is where I need to go. Listen to that voice, for it knows best.

It's often the door that we are too afraid to open, that leads us to our greatness.

Email info@leanneoaten.com if you would like to join my Inside Out Wellness for Women Support Group. We meet every second Tuesday evening and I cover a different topic each session. There is an open discussion period for everyone to share what they need to share, or ask for advice. You will receive support, guidance, encouragement, education and inspiration to assist you with your goals!

Leanne Oaten
Registered Holistic Counsellor R.P.C
leanneoaten.com

For the Ladies: How to Change Your Husband in 7 days

 I knew the title would catch your attention! And, I am sure you already know that you can't actually change your man in 7 days - you can't change him ever,  but you can start to make a powerful shift  in your relationship within only a few days, if you follow the advice I am about to give you.

I have worked with women who are in unhappy and unfulfilled marriages, and I give them the same guidance I am about to give you.

I get emails from women who want to come to counselling to work on their marriage, but their partner doesn't want to. "Is there any point to me coming in on my own?" they ask.
I give them the same advice I am about to give you.

You can't change your man, or anyone else for that matter, all you can do is focus on changing, healing and empowering yourself, and in turn, possibly inspire (or eventually require) your partner to follow suit.

Here is the honest to goodness truth. I was that wife. I spent a lot of time feeling unhappy, and for a long time I was totally convinced it was all because of my husband, that he was the reason for my unhappiness.

I also believed that the only way out of this unhappiness was to go our separate ways - many times.

It is human nature to want to run away from things that make us uncomfortable or cause us to feel pain.

But I eventually learned, that I can't run from the work. What I run from now will show up in another area, or another relationship- if I run from the lessons and opportunity for growth and learning here and now, it will keep showing up as a reoccurring theme in my life.

Nothing ever goes away until we have learned the lessons we are meant to learn. It is all part of the journey.

After a lot of suffering, personal reflection, freakin' hard work and more suffering, I reached a point where I realized that blaming my husband (or anything or anyone else) for my unhappiness was a lie I was telling myself to avoid taking responsibility for my own life and happiness!

We really do create our own happiness. If we rely on anything external to us for our happiness, we will be forever screwed, and riding an emotional roller-coaster- allowing what is happening around us to dictate our mood and how we feel.

From that turning point forward, it has been a journey of continually learning, discovering myself, and what makes me happy, fulfilled and excited. Whatever my husband was doing or not doing (that I believed he shouldn't be doing or not doing) would no longer be my reason or excuse to feel like crap, or keeping myself stuck.

When I find myself going there, wanting to change or fix him, I now bring the attention back to myself, and inquire within. I get curious about what is my issue to resolve within myself, or something I need to address with self-awareness and clarity. I need to get clear on what the issue is, and then communicate this to him in a very clear, and conscious way. I focus on my growth, my fulfillment, keep my cup full, and leave his end up to him. It is so much easier this way let me tell you! Trying to change ourselves is hard enough, trying to change two people is exhausting, and no fun at all.

I'm not going to sugarcoat things here, this did not happen overnight, and this process is ongoing. It is hard work to take this path, and takes heaps of determination and courage to not bury our head in the sand and pretend all is well, when it's not. This was not an easy shift to make. But I knew in my heart it was a necessary one, and one I am constantly deepening and refining as I go along.

It is a life lesson, that there is no one and no-thing we have the power to change except ourselves, and even that can be a full-time job!

Think of it like this: If you are someone who is already a pretty self-aware, growth oriented person, you know what I mean when I say growth, healing and change is not easy work. And this is even when you are self- motivated and determined to do the work to NOT stay stuck in your own sh*t!
How impossible would it be to change if you really didn't care about growth, personal mastery, learning, and self-reflection, and just wanted to carry on pretending all is well, and had no desire to learn about yourself, and why you do the things you do? Pretty impossible, right?

You absolutely have to want it so badly

that you will do anything within your power to change.

So, with that said, we are clear now that you can not change him and it is necessary to let go of the desire to change him, and leave his work up to him, yes? Now what?

I've got some tips for you that will help you, and if all goes well, will help him as well. The other side to this coin, is if you decide to take this 30 days (not 7) but 7 is a good start... to focus only on yourself. It is also important to accept the truth that whatever he is doing, or not doing that is not working for you, may never change. It will only change when he decides to jump on board and do the work with you on the marriage, and on himself. If this doesn't happen then you may have a decision to make. But lets not get too ahead of ourselves.  There is much you can do here to get to clarity, and it all begins with you.


30 Day Reset to a New Relationship & New YOU

For 30 days you make a commitment to yourself to:

#1) This is the BIG one: Focus.On.You. That's it! See friends, take a class, take a workshop, join a womens support group, book an appointment with a therapist to talk out your confusion, read books, nurture yourself, triple dose your self- care. When something happens that upsets you, go off on your own and process how you are feeling rather than reacting. I work 1:1 with women who are new to this idea of focusing on self who are struggling in their relationship. It is really effective to have support from someone who understands that can guide you through this new territory. You can download a copy of my free "Women's Guide to Vibrant Health" eBook on my website to help get you started right here on my website. Use the ideas in this guide to build the foundation for this work you are embarking on.

#2) Stop trying to fix him, rescue him, change him, nag him, asking him to change. Just bring yourself back to #1 every single time you start to go into those habitual behaviors.
If the kids are all tucked in, and you finally have some time alone together and all he wants to do is watch t.v. you can decide to join him, or go off and do something just for yourself. Rather than nagging or asking him for connection time or just getting pissed off (if this is what you would typically do) you are changing the pattern. This alone creates a shift in the relationship, that will begin to take effect in many miraculous ways.

#3) Do something different as noted in #2, notice and witness yourself, and how you typically react or respond to certain things your partner does. If it is something that tends to create that old icky feeling pattern of going around in circles, and just leaves you feeling badly, try on a different response or behavior.
Become aware and awake. Aware of your emotions, awake to your bodily sensations, where you feel the conflict, sadness, upset or worry. Your body is always the barometer for your emotions. We literally feel our emotions in our physical body, but many of us are completely tuned -out and shut down. We don't even know what we want, need or feel because we have abandoned ourselves. Often times this happens in a marriage, but can happen in any relationship. Now is your time to come back to yourself. I promise you, it will change things in ways you will be amazed by!

So, assuming this resonates, and makes sense to you, and you had a few "oh yes!" moments while pondering this - wherever you are at in your relationship -you are ready to roll up your sleeves, and get to work - on yourself. You can't force him to do anything. And if you try, you will only become more frustrated and resentful.

If you would like to work with me individually, you can contact me to set up your initial 90 minute Personal Breakthrough Session and we can get to work.
Investing in yourself, it is the smartest investment we can ever make, and often the one we value the least. Our mental, emotional health matters big time, and will always affect our physical health to some degree. Living in a marriage that isn't working, and is causing stress will affect the health and well-being of both partners. You have to take care of yourself first. Ideally both people in the relationship are doing this for themselves - but it all starts with you because you are the one reading this! I wish you well as you embark on this new way of being.

Leanne Oaten
Registered Holistic Counsellor R.P.C
Integrative Counselling Therapy that works!
E:info@leanneoaten.com
W: leanneoaten.com

For the Guys: How to Change your Wife in 7 Days

Let me clarify before I go any further, you can't change your wife. The only person you have the power to change is you. However, if there are things happening in your relationship that you would like to see change, my advice is to put the focus on changing and growing yourself, not trying to change her.

We often go into a mode of hyper-focusing on what our partner is doing to avoid looking at our own part in the dynamic. It's much easier to point the finger and blame the other person, but nothing ever get resolved, and you will find that the never ending loop of the same old fights becomes a pattern in your relationship.

You see, we can inspire people to want to change through our own example, but if we try to control, criticize or condemn our partner for their behavior, for what they are doing and not doing, we just push them further away and increase the drama and negativity.

I'll be honest, my audience, clients and fan base is mostly made up of women. I truly love to empower, educate and inspire women to live their best life.

That said, I believe this gives me an advantage to hear what my female clients have to say when it comes to struggles and challenges they face in their intimate partnerships, whether married or coupled, there is a strong common theme to the underlying messages I hear from women that I know personally, and work with professionally.

I also recently took an amazing online relationship course designed specifically for women. My goal in taking this course was to deepen my understanding of conscious relationship to assist me with some personal challenges I have been having in my life and relationship, as well as to learn more so I can bring that knowledge back in to my work serving my clients.

During this course, I was involved in a private forum with over 100 other women also taking this program, and had the opportunity to observe what seem to be common deep core unmet  needs and desires of these women struggling whether to stay or go in their relationships. 

I am not a relationship expert, however I  have made it my mission to use my marriage of 15 years, a platform for growth and self-awareness. This combined with all of what I observe and hear from married women, has given me many insights as to what us women truly need in intimate relationship.


Lets talk about sex.

Women need to feel emotionally safe, and connected to want to  have sex, and men connect emotionally to their partner through having sex.

A hot topic that creates a lot of pain, conflict and strain in relationship is sex when their is a mismatched sexual desire among the couple. Often (but not always) the man desires more sex and is extremely unhappy with the lack of this in the relationship. I hear women telling me why they don't want to have sex with their husbands and I listen carefully to what is missing for them in the relationship. It is more common than you might think, to have this mismatch going on.
If this is a problem in your relationship, I recommend that you seek outside assistance in dealing with the root cause of the issue. Not having sex is not the problem, it is a symptom of a deeper problem that needs addressing.

 I have compiled some big common core needs of women who are unhappy in their relationship (and not surprisingly, when asked about their sex life it is surely struggling or non-existent)

I was going to title this blog "Men: How to have more sex with your woman" but I decided to take the focus off of that, and bring it more toward the root cause of why intimacy and sex may be non-existent in your relationship in the first place.



There are a ton of books out there about marriage, and good thing for that, however you don't necessarily need to read a pile of books to make a profound positive shift in your relationship.


I want to start of by saying there is never any excuse for abusive behavior. Of any kind. Ever. I have worked with many women in my practice who didn't have a clue that they were in an emotionally abusive dynamic with their partner, because they weren't being hit or physically hurt. But as I dig deeper in session, I can see the warning signs and have an intuitive sense when this is present in a relationship. With further investigation, I discover that this is a factor in what she has come in to counselling for. Often she is depressed and extremely anxious and doesn't know why. This is something I am very passionate about, and believe that I need to share this message.
When I educate these women that being controlled belittled, mocked, called names, made fun of, having their feelings dismissed, yelled at and insulted is emotionally abusive behavior, they often experience confusion, shock and denial.
 So guys, I understand and have an idea what you may be thinking here, this may sound extreme to call these behaviors abusive, but emotional and verbal abuse is real and hurts your woman (and children if you have any) on a very deep level if you are engaging in these behaviors.  If you can see yourself in Signs of Emotional Abuse , and  21 Warning Signs of Emotional Abuse  I highly recommend that you initiate getting some help with a skilled therapist that understands the dynamics of these patterns, that can help you to deal with the underlying reason that you may behave in these hurtful, damaging and toxic ways.

I can almost guarantee you, if you are behaving in these ways, your woman will not feel emotionally safe to come closer or let her guard down. And likely, your sex life is down the tubes. Yes?
* It is possible for women to emotionally abuse men as well, it is far less prevalent and common, but is does happen. I won't go into this here, but you can most certainly share the Signs of Emotional Abuse article with your partner, and make an agreement you will both work to build a more conscious and honorable relationship together through each of you doing your own personal work alone, and with your own individual counsellor to overcome the deeply rooted emotional issues that are manifesting in the marriage.

Couples counselling can be helpful, however it is essential to choose your therapist carefully. If you don't feel like progress is being made within the first few sessions, it may not be the right fit. Don't give up until you find the right help. You should feel an almost immediate sense of whether this is the right therapist for you or not in the first session. This goes for individual counsellors as well. Find someone you feel comfortable with that you feel you can work with.

So, now that this biggie is out of the way, and assuming this isn't the case, or maybe it is and you are determined to work on yourself and overcome it, there are many things you can begin doing today to build a closer connection, and a sense of safety in the relationship.

Here's the bottom line: women need to feel safe and protected in an intimate relationship. If the opposite is happening, and she feels tense, worried, or frightened or has her guard up,  this is a recipe for an unhealthy, high conflict relationship that will be full of pain and suffering for both people.

.

 

So, this can create a problem!

The answer? Both partners must do the work to become more emotionally intelligent, conscious and aware of their own inner process, and attuned to their partners needs. 

You see, relationship is a shared effort. Both people need to be willing to grow individually and together as a couple for the relationship to thrive on all levels.

Intimate relationship is one of the most powerful opportunities for growth, self- awareness and evolution. If our partner is annoying us, irritating us and making us crazy as our issue to resolve within ourselves, we stop the blame game and take personal responsibility for how we decide to show up in the relationship. Nobody is responsible for how you feel except for you. When we get this, we become empowered and better able to learn about ourselves and heal the wounds that the behavior is triggering.

Anything your partner does that triggers you to react or feel negative emotion, is another opportunity to learn about yourself. Asking yourself "why is this bothering me so much?' rather than thinking, "she's so annoying", "why can't she leave me alone?", "nothing I ever do is good enough" and so on..

So, now that I have laid a bit of ground here, I will cover 3 shifts you can make, outlining things to stop doing and saying to build a deeper connection and a more harmonious relationship. These new behaviors put together will have big impact on your relationship, if you can adopt them as your new way of being. Here we go.


1) "Calm Down", Why are you so upset?",  " you are making too big a deal about this!" When your woman is upset, having an emotional overload moment, feels scared, stressed out or overwhelmed - even if you do not understand why, or see it as irrational . Tip: don't tell her to calm down if you truly want to improve things in your relationship!
When we are upset we want to feel seen and understood. Instead, ask her what you can do to help. Alternative: Listen to her without interrupting or trying to fix it. Guys tend to want to be the 'fixers' in the relationship, but she doesn't always want or need you to fix it. Simply listening and saying "I hear you, is there anything I can do to help?" is enough to build deep connection and dissolve any drama or conflict within seconds. Go a step further and offer to make her tea, or put the kids to bed while she watches her favorite show, make meals, tidy the house, lighten her load by doing something that will help - whatever it is, just ask yourself "what does she most need from me right now?" I can almost guarantee it is not someone discounting her experience, or telling her to calm down. Try this new behavior out, you will be amazed how she will start softening and coming toward you when you stop reacting to her emotions, and choose instead to respond mindfully and lovingly. Yes, this may be uncomfortable and feel very unnatural at first. But you can do this with practice! It will require you to begin to connect with your own emotions if you are going to be fully present and able to listen. Start by reading Why Emotionally Healthy People are Healthier People

Men who are uncomfortable with their own emotion will also be uncomfortable with their partners emotion.

2) "This house is a mess, what have you done all day?"
This one probably needs no explanation other than lets try something different. My guess is that if you have used a statement like this in the past, it probably wasn't well received!
Alternative: Check in with yourself, and ask how you can be part of the solution of keeping up with the house chores. Is it truly her job to take care of all the housekeeping? Try taking on a few of the house tasks to take some of the load off rather than placing blame. As in point #1, she will begin to feel some relief, and have more energy to put toward the relationship, if she sees you stepping up, and taking initiative in the home more often. This goes for a more hands on approach to raising the kids, and taking on some of those responsibilities where possible, as well.

3)" Why do you always have a problem, can't you just be happy?"
If your partner is coming to you repeatedly, genuinely trying to communicate to you that she is unhappy, or hurting as a result of your behavior, and you dismiss her, or deflect your behavior back on to her with a statement like this, she will likely feel immediately disconnected from you, and will eventually stop coming toward you altogether. When we are not able to resolve our conflicts in a healthy way, where both people feel heard, seen, and validated for their experience, it erodes the foundation of the relationship over time. Slowly, the couple will drift apart, and the marriage dissolves eventually leading to divorce or separation.

Alternative: Check in with yourself when she comes to you, and see if you can listen to what she is trying to convey. If you can practice this, and sit with the discomfort of whatever is coming up within you in the interaction (this takes skill and practice!) and just listen, and get curious about what she is trying to say, you will shift things in a very powerful way.
As long as she is able to bring her grievances to you in a respectful way, your job is to just listen and notice what is arising within you while she is talking. Then respond, rather than  react.
A really good format is to listen. And then paraphrase: So what I hear you saying is [insert what you perceived from what was said] this will transform things in a big way!

If you can commit to practicing and mastering these 3 changes, while perhaps also working on yourself through seeing a counsellor that specializes in this area, and taking personal responsibility for what you bring to the relationship - rather than playing the blame game - you can build a relationship that is stronger than you ever thought possible.

But the big point I want to drive home here is that both partners must be committed to doing their own personal work individually, and possibly as a couple, to reverse deeply engrained and unhealthy patterns.

Just do the work. That's it!  Yes, it is hard, and not fun to look at our flaws or dark side, but if we want to grow, and have a marriage that is healthy and flourishing for all involved, kids included, we must commit to being the change we want to see. Of course, there is always divorce, but the truth is that if you don't heal and resolve the issues that your partner is triggering within you in this relationship, you will just be living out the same scenarios in the next one. Nothing goes away until we have learned the lessons - so you can choose to leave the situation, or choose to be 100% in, and do all that you can to improve yourself and the relationship before making a decision about your relationship.

Marriage is hard, and requires work. If you have young children that can bring huge pressures with it, and complicate an already difficult situation. A healthy thriving relationship takes continual care, healthy conflict resolution skills, and cleaning up our own side of the street by taking care of ourselves and our emotional wounds from the past.

 I'd love you hear from you. If you would like to share your experience with practicing these points, or you have any questions, feel free to connect with me via email: info@leanneoaten.com

If you would like some assistance with breaking toxic relationship patterns, I am available for in-person 1:1 sessions, or via Skype.

All the best,

Leanne Oaten R.P.C
Registered Holistic Counsellor
www.leanneoaten.com

Naturally Boost your Immune System: How to NOT get sick this Winter

Germ Theory informs us that we need to kill the microbes, as they are the cause of sickness. Biological Terrain Theory stipulates that it is the health of the host and the strength of the immune system that determines whether or not one gets sick.

Its that time of year again, the kids back to school, exposed to more germs, we are all gathered more in close quarters indoors, getting less sunlight, less time out doors, and in turn, less Vitamin D! Vitamin D is essential for our immune health and mood. Low vitamin D levels are linked to immune dysfunction as well as depression. Seasonal Affective Disorder (A.K.A  the Winter Blues) and depression can cause lowered immune function. It is all interconnected!

There are some theories and doctors that suggest that there is no such thing as "cold and flu season" but that we are more prone to illness this time of year because of the above conditions I just listed.

Many hold strong to the "Germ Theory", that we must kill all germs and bacteria to avoid illness, hence why so many people are obsessed with hand sanitizing chemicals, bleach and chemical cleaners to 'kill' off the germ. This is also behind the Obsessive compulsive need to wash your hands and avoid public places. Yes, this was me. I admit it. I still visit there from time to time when someone in my house is ill - but I also know that I have a lot of power to keep myself strong and healthy - and not succumb to a virus, just because a family member is sick. Based on my research, I have settled into the comforting belief of the Biological Terrain Theory. We are exposed to so many different germs and bacteria in a given day, more than we even are aware of! And most of them do not make us fall ill. Gross, yes. But this is actually GOOD NEWS!

For example, have you had the experience of your family all coming down with a flu, cold or stomach bug, while you have cared for them, cleaned up vomit, been coughed all over, and somehow, by the powers of the Universe, you didn't get sick?

What does this mean exactly?

This proves that we do have the ability to resist certain bacteria and viruses, IF our immunity is running at an optimal level.

Again, this is good news, because now you can empower yourself and find ways to strengthen your immunity, and have less sick days this year!

Our health - and immunity - are directly linked. And both require an overall approach using holistic methods of caring for the body, mind and soul.

Signs your immunity may need some support:

~ Frequent illness, you seem to catch everything that is 'going around'
~ illness that drags on for more than 7-10 days
~ frequent or reoccurring respiratory infection
~ Skin rashes
 ~ chronic sinusitis and chronic allergies
~ frequent infections

If you would like to reduce your number of sick days, and improve your immune system dysfunction
related symptoms,  I encourage you to focus on doing all that is within your power to strengthen your your body's inner functioning. Through stress management, proper nutrition, addressing candida overgrowth and digestive issues, avoiding foods you are sensitive or allergic to, specific supplementation, and lifestyle practices that support vital health, you can make a difference in your overall health all year long.

 If you would like to join a supportive community of women, I invite you to come on over to my interactive Facebook Women's Holistic Health Community for more tips, and support on your journey to whole being health.

You can also like my Holistic Counselling  Fan Page and get mental and emotional wellness tips and information.

I also offer Wellness Consultations to assist you in addressing your most challenging health issues from a holistic perspective, in person or via Skype.

I will leave you with this simple reminder : The greatest Wealth is GOOD health. 

Stay healthy. Stay Grateful.

If you found this blog helpful, go ahead and forward this onto others that may benefit from this information it may help them as well!

 Leanne Oaten R.P.C
Registered Holistic Counsellor
leanneoaten.com
info@leanneoaten.com