Never underestimate the power of the spoken word.
Words have the power to inspire, uplift, encourage, comfort and validate.They also have the power to cause deep emotional pain and suffering and can cause profound psychological damage. We must choose our words wisely and be mindful of what comes out of our mouths.
In Buddhist terms this is called "right speech" or "skillful speech" and has five marks: "It is speech that is timely, truthful, gentle, purposeful. and spoken with a mind of loving-kindness."
Before you speak, first become aware of your intention for saying what you want to say. Focus on why you want to speak, and what you want to say, get connected to what is going on within. Are there negative or positive intentions?
Use the THINK formula if in doubt: Is it True? Is it Helpful? Is it Inspiring? Is it Necessary? Is it Kind?
If everybody continually developed the skill of mindful speech, just imagine the ways in which things would change in the world we live in. Aside from looking at it from a Global perspective, how would using "skillful speech" affect your most important relationships? How would it improve your marriage? Your relationship with your children? Your friendships? How would it change how you relate to your co-workers and everyone else around you that you come into contact with?
If we can stop in the face of conflict or a heated moment and check in with ourselves as to what we are feeling, and respond purposefully and mindfully, we avoid the tendency to react or say or do things we will later regret (and can not take back) that may offend another. The more we can develop the skill of pausing and thinking through our intentions, and what we really want to say to another, the less we will find ourselves in conflict situations.
If you would like to make some steps toward developing this skill, here are some ways you can get started:
- If you are in a conflict with another person (in the moment) and feel it getting heated STOP and take a time out. This takes a huge amount of self-control and is not always easy to do when you want to have the last word, but doing this allows for things to cool down so you can think through what you want to say. Come back to the conversation after the cooling off period, and speak about your own experience. Avoid using "you always", "you never" statements, and instead use assertive communication with this dialogue: "I feel [ insert feeling] because [explain how you are being affected] what I really want to happen is [state your desired outcome] because [explain why this is important to you]
- Check in with yourself to see what your intentions are before you speak. If they are positive and come from a place of caring and love, say it. If they are to hurt, or insult or cause suffering, or bring someone else down-keep it to yourself! When our position is based on sound reasoning and logic we can speak quietly and calmly. If it is based on personal desire, then we will likely find ourselves raising our voice and becoming aggressive in our tone. If our point is well grounded there is no need for aggression or annoyance, and we are able to speak without offending the other person, or escalating the conflict.
- Stop and reflect on who owns what part of the situation. Ask yourself "what is my part in this?" and own up to it. In any situation, we always own a part of the problem. It does no good to point fingers and place all the blame on another, because it takes two to tango!
- Let go of your attachment to a desired outcome. If you have something to say to someone, say it using the tips above, but with the intention to be heard and to say your piece, not to manipulate or control the others response or the outcome. All we can be responsible for is our own behavior, how the other responds is there own responsibility.
As you can see, speaking mindfully, with skill and calmness takes great practice and tremendous strength, and speaking harshly with aggression and hostility is a sign of weakness. It is easy to think that if you are yelling and pushing others around you are being 'tough' but in reality it takes great strength and skill to have control of the mind, and the spoken word. It doesn't happen overnight, but with the right intention and constant mindfulness it becomes easier with practice. Choose your words wisely, and the rest will follow!
Leanne
