Healing Depression by Overcoming Fear of Joy

This is one of my most personally revealing blogs to date. I don't often share a whole lot about my childhood or inner process - because honestly, being open and truthful is scary. Being vulnerable opens one up to criticism and rejection. BUT I am moving past the fear in hope that my story will help others in some way.

As I learn, I teach. My journey to becoming a counsellor has been in large part, through becoming a student of my own learning and inner process, and working my own healing path. Every time I learn something new about myself,  I can then share that with others to assist them on their path. There is always something more to learn!

Recently I have become increasingly more aware of the feeling fear that can wash over me when I am feeling true happiness, contentment, and hope.

When I look at my kids, and am filled with such love for them, the thought will creep in, "what if something ever happens to them?" "you would never survive that".

It's the thoughts that creep in, the ego mind, the voices of the past that tell me I better not get too happy, because something is going to happen to make it all go away. Then when it does, it won't be such a let down, or as big of a fall if I stay down low. Or, it's the waiting for the other shoe to drop metaphor. Maybe it is because in my life, I have seen so many shoes drop, and many, many times where the good feeling did go away. When that happens too many times, we shut down - often it happens early in our childhood. It is too scary to feel that vulnerable feeling of joy and happiness- so we close off and numb it out. 

If you are experiencing depression, hopelessness or apathy,  go back to your childhood, visit your inner-child and ask him/her "when did the light go out?"- maybe it was one instance you can trace back to, or maybe it is many that have accumulated within your body, mind and spirit. It is helpful to visit the past for these types of inquiries, but very essential not to stay and live there. Get curious, visit, inquire,  clear it and move on. We do not want to marinade in the past, but only learn from it so we can better move into the present with more clarity.

We are a society that has become fearful of our own happiness

One of the toughest hurdles for me to overcome, and still is at times, is my underlying fear of feeling true happiness. For the longest time, I was the most negative person I knew. I was deeply depressed, and ridden with anxiety and frozen with fear for many years. It took me a long time to unravel the negative messages I still carried that were embedded into my impressionable psyche at a very young age.

This is not an attempt to blame my parents. I do not blame them, because I know they did the best the knew how to do at the time. My father was raised in multiple foster homes his entire childhood, and suffered abuse I probably don't even know the half of. 

Because he was raised in awful conditions that no child should ever have to endure, it hardened him, repressed him and made his view of the world quite negative and dark. And in turn, because he was not conscious of his own inner process, a lot of his beliefs were passed along - as it often goes in families. 

For many years, I believed that life is a constant struggle, people can't be trusted, the world is an unsafe place, and that I have no right to be happy when so many others are suffering around me, and around the world.

I was given messages in my childhood that said "you don't matter", "you are a burden",  "don't toot your own horn", "you're not that great" in many different ways was shown the world is not safe. So, this is how I grew up - believing I should not speak highly of myself, and naturally given all of this,  I sure didn't think very highly of myself either. I am still working on this continually. Loving oneself is a tough job sometimes, but it is also essential to becoming who you want to be.

A huge Aha! moment for me, was recently while my Dad was over for dinner. My daughter was hyper, giddy, silly and really excited and laughing a lot. She gets like this when he comes over, and I have not been able to figure out why - but now I wonder if she intuitively knows he needs her more upbeat vibes to lift his lower frequency and energy :)

He made a comment saying "she just has no idea what real life is like yet" and followed with "have you heard about all those dead refugee children washing up on shore in the news?" with her right there in the room! I was floored, and felt like the ground below me was shifting. THAT'S IT! That is what I always heard growing up! I swore I had heard that exact statement myself once or twice as a kid when I was happy for no reason - then shamed for my happiness. Wow, right?!

I share this through my own vulnerability in hopes that these words touch even one person in a meaningful way. I know I am not the only one who carries a niggling fear of happiness within. I see countless clients who in some form or another, are living with this day to day and are being affected in so many ways by not stepping into their feelings of joy and gratitude. I believe this is a huge reason we become depressed, and stay there.

The only way out is through, so we have to face the darkness, and look into the past to identify our core wounding in order to learn from it and move past it. 

"When we lose our tolerance for vulnerability 

joy becomes foreboding" - Brene Brown

I hope you are able to embrace the happiness that comes your way, the little things that make your heart sing, the love that you feel, the joy in your heart. All of it. But only when we can fully embrace the dark, can we truly embrace the light. No matter how positively we think, things are not always going to go our way, and we will still have pain, loss and suffering because this is the nature of our human experience.

I had a client say to me recently, "It must be hard to help people and not take their troubles home with you" and I replied, "yes sometimes, but I know that I can not help others from a place of hopelessness, and I can not feel bad enough for them to assist them in their healing". Only from a place of fullness, and connection to my own joy can I truly assist others. This includes my children, friends, and even myself. It is my job to make sure that I feel good, and that is not always easy to do because life can be full of challenges.

 When life knocks you for a loop, refuse to stay down!

Here is the bottom line, you can not feel sick enough to help those around you that are ill, you can't feel miserable enough to help those who are unhappy, and you can't feel depressed enough about the state of the world to help those who are suffering. 

Yes, there are horrible realities others have to face around the world - and even on our own streets, but we can not feel bad enough for them to change those realities. Only through our love, joy happiness and conscious choice to evolve and break patterns within out family systems, can we truly make a difference. When we work on ourselves, we create a powerful ripple effect that reaches far beyond what we can ever imagine. So start with YOU, in your home with your family to embrace these ideas, create a positive family atmosphere, teach the children in your life that life is something to be grateful for, and that happiness is their natural state. Teach them to live wholeheartedly, and to embrace it all, all of their feelings, disappointments, sadness, happiness, giddiness, silliness and joy. And they learn best by example, so it all begins with you.

I leave you with this short clip of Brene speaking with Oprah about foreboding joy on  Super Soul Sunday - grab the tissues!

Wishing you heaps of happiness,

Leanne Oaten

Holistic Counsellor R.P.C

info@leanneoaten.com

leanneaoten.com

If you have to force it...let it go

Something that I am really practicing consciously in my life, in all areas, is to learn to let go of things that are not meant for me.
I tend to hang on for dear life to things, ideas, visions, expectations of what others 'should' or 'should not' do, and I have a strong will, and tenacity - which are two of my greatest strengths, but are sometimes also my greatest weakness.
If there is something in your life that is causing great mental and emotional strain, or you find yourself fighting an inner battle of how you can force things to be the way you want them to be [but they are far from it] I suggest looking within to see what you may need to let go of.

As soon as we let go, we free up mental and spiritual space to allow the things meant for us to enter.

A web developer or other hired assistant that you have to continually email to see if she is 'on' the tasks that you have hired her for? Let her go. There is someone else out there better suited to be on your team.

A vision for a business venture that isn't quite what you thought it would be, let the idea of how it "should" be go to allow for inspiration to enter and the universe to guide you to what is in your highest purpose. Sometimes what we think we want is not actually in our highest good, and if we are open we will receive guidance toward what we are truly meant to do.

A relationship that is all force and no ease, and you feel you have to carry the weight of making all the changes for- let go of that behavior and turn the focus on YOU, or in some cases, you may need to let go of the relationship entirely.

Whatever is taking up a great deal of your mental, emotional and spiritual space in the form of stress, obsessive and fixated thinking and ruminating, or in the form of insomnia because you can't stop thinking and worrying about it, that is a sign there may something you need to let go of. Only you know the answer to what that is. Sometimes it is simply a thought, a viewpoint or belief. Other times it is a bigger decision you may have to make.
Make room for the new, by intentionally releasing the old. 

Wishing you ease in letting go of what is no longer serving you.

Leanne Oaten
Registered Holistic Counsellor R.P.C
info@leanneoaten.com
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How Emotionally Connected People are Healthier People

The only emotions to fear are the ones we deny, repress, numb avoid and ignore. 

As many of you that read my blogs and follow my message know, a large part of the foundation in which I have made the most progress in my own personal healing work,is through the process of mastering my emotional awareness.

Just like we exercise and eat right to support our physical body, we also must attend to our emotional health to truly flourish in life, on all levels.

One of the fastest ways to clear a room is to start asking people to express their emotions and feelings! It's so true. We are an emotion-phobic society afraid to feel what we are really feeling! We feel shame because we are depressed, and embarrassed because we are scared, and terrified to look deep within, underneath the happy face mask (the ego) that tries to show the world that everything is all roses.

But truly, what needs to be feared more, is the emotions that we repress, deny, ignore, numb, and medicate. You see our emotions are our inner-guidance system, they help us to see when something 'feels' off or not quite right, or even very wrong depending on our emotional response.

We must embrace emotion in all of it's forms. The positive and negative, the dark and the light.
Denial of our emotion feeds the dark. As Brene Brown states "you can not selectively numb emotion, when you numb the dark, you also numb the light.

Our emotions are feedback to what we are telling ourselves about a certain situation. What we believe and think leads to how we feel. I won't go into the dry old Cognitive Behavioral Therapy model that I learned in school known as CBT. But this is basically what CBT is, and many counsellors use it for people who are depressed. An understanding that our beliefs have a lot to do with our feelings, and our experience of life is life changing!

Beliefs ==> Thoughts ==> Emotion (feelings) ==Action (what you do with the emotion)

Our emotions are our life force, and they are energy, and energy needs to move!

Emotion is Energy-in-Motion

If we stifle, repress, avoid, numb, distract and feed our emotions, we will suffer mentally and physically as our emotions try to express themselves through physical symptoms, or other addictive behaviors such as alcoholism, shopping, spending, working, sex, food, keeping busy, electronic screens - really the ways addictions can manifest are endless.

An addiction serves a purpose though and the purpose it to help us cope with PAIN. To keep us from feeling what is actually present. Who really wants to look at their failing marriage, mounting credit card debt, family issues, work stress, and so on?
Not many will turn toward what is causing their suffering. But those that understand the their physical and mental health is largely determined by their emotional health-are better able to navigate through, and feel happier, lighter, freer, more peaceful and at ease in their life. Their health issues disappear, depression and anxiety dissolves, they easily reach their ideal body-weight, their relationships deepen, and become more authentic.

The ways that life changes for the better when you embrace your emotions (all of them) is powerful, and is some of the most important work you will do toward improving your health, mood , relationships and overall well-being.

So, how does an emotionally healthy person deal with their emotions?

• They feel them and allow them to surface, have a cry if they need to, and are better able to move on 
• They are acutely aware that their physical body speaks to them through their emotional energy. And that repressing emotion blocks flow, and eventually creates illness in the mind and body
• They allow themselves time to sit with their discomfort and get curious about what they are feeling and what they are upset about
• They are connected intimately with their emotional energy body. They know when they are 'activated' by a past wound, feel it in their body, and are able to go inside themselves to discover what was really going on, and identify where in their body they feel the emotion
• They know that how they feel is their responsibility -and can address how they feel from a healthy and empowered way
• They are able to tell someone how they really feel, in a non-threatening way - no matter how uncomfortable it may be
• They are able to respond rather than react to situations that upset them
• They don't shy away from conflict, but see it as a way to grow - when it is done in a healthy way
• They know that anger is a secondary emotion--and they are not afraid to get curious about what is beneath the anger, knowing it is likely linked to feeling hurt, fear, and rejection.
• They sit with themselves daily to check in with how they are feeling

If you would like to become more aware of your emotions, here is a simple self-awareness exercise to get you started:

30 days to Building Self Awareness Practice: 

For the next 30 days, commit to building your emotional mindfulness, awareness and resiliency. 

1) Check in: Throughout the day take a moment to check in with yourself and notice what you are feeling. When something triggers an intense response within you, your partner says something in "that way" your kids aren't listening, someone disrespects you or is rude to you, learn to take a deep breath in that moment. Get curious. Notice the turmoil churning inside. Where in your body are you feeling this? Do you have an urge to lash out in anger? Just bring awareness to what is coming up within you, underneath the anger, frustration and irritation.

2) Leave the situation: (If you are able to) Go somewhere and allow how you are feeling to move through, ask yourself "what is this about?  BREATHE. (It takes huge amounts of courage to allow ourselves to feel uncomfortable emotion! It is such easier to run away and take it out on someone else. But emotionally healthy people know that is not the answer they are seeking.)

Tip: we are never upset for the reason we think.

3) Ask yourself "where in my past have I felt this emotion?" you will almost always get an answer or a memory that may surprise you. But it is when we are able to connect that, when my partner complains about the messy house, it reminds me of my Dad who used to scream at me for leaving any mess around the house. So, in the end it's not really the issue of the complaint, but what wound it triggers within me. Make sense?

4) Begin to notice what you are doing with your emotions. What behaviors do you fall into when you are hurting of feeling uncomfortable? Do you reach for food, alcohol, or head to the mall? Do you contract and close down? Lash out in anger? No self-judgement allowed! Just become aware.

I also recommend that you purchase a journal which will be used specifically for your Emotional Awareness process. Record these AHA! moments and insights over the next 30 days. You will be amazed with what you uncover. We are emotional beings, when we deny this part of ourselves, we are not whole. Embrace it all.

If you would like more clarity on this practice, feel free to drop me an email with any questions!

Yours in emotional wellness,

Leanne Oaten

Registered Holistic Counsellor , R.P.C

info@leanneoaten.com

Grow your passion into a business- How to love your life and work

Are you working the typical 9-5 job, trading hours for dollars in a career that is less than fulfilling, or maybe even one that you dread going to every day? Are you feeling burnt out and stuck doing what you are doing because you fear not being able to provide for yourself and family by branching out and doing your own thing? Maybe starting your own business has been on your mind, but you can't seem to wrap your mind around how you would do it or make it work.

Maybe there is something you have always been a natural at, something that when you are immersed in it, time stands still, and you are in your bliss. What is that thing that you love to do? That you would do for free because you love it so much- that you could turn into a business?

99% of the time, the biggest obstacle that stops people from taking the risk and going for it when it comes to becoming self-employed is FEAR.

I have worked with many women struggling with the day-to-day realities of being in a job that is uninspiring -and at worst, one that they totally hate going going to every day. We work through a lot of the limiting beliefs and fear based thoughts that are stopping them from taking the risk and going for their dreams in their lives.

As a mother of 3, my biggest motivation for becoming self- employed, aside from answering my calling and purpose to serve and help others improve their lives, was to work my own hours. Those days of working based on an employers schedule, trying to find childcare for my kids, and the guilt of missing out on family dinners, time with my kids I can never get back, school events, and having to schedule time off (and worry I might not get it and have to miss out on something) were highly stressful times for me and my family, and that is aside from the fact I never loved any of those jobs, but felt I had no other choice at the time. For me, it came down to learning how to I create a career that I love, that is in alignment with who I am, my values, and passions, AND balance motherhood while taking good care of myself. As challenging as it has been to get to where I am today while parenting young kids, I have always known in my heart that I will never regret anything I have done to ensure I am present with my children, but I likely would regret time lost with them - and that is a huge motivator for me.

That was until I decided to take the plunge in 2010, and pursue my vision to become self-employed as a Holistic Therapist. The day I sent in my student loan documents was a day mixed with intense fear, and excitement about this new chapter. I just knew in my heart that what I wanted to do more than anything, was to help improve the lives of others, while earning an income in doing so. I am passionate about personal growth, health and healing, and love to teach and guide others along the path to self- reliance and empowerment in all areas of their lives. When I am assisting another I feel like time stands still. It doesn't feel like work, but comes naturally to me. I  (most times) don't feel stressed out about going to work, I schedule my own hours, take time off as I decide, and make my own rules. I am home for my kids every day after school, as I only work during school hours, and I never miss an important event. I love the creative aspect of my work, and love that I can grow along with my business.

For sure,  their was intense fear, and self-doubt about how I will make it, "what if's" were plentiful, but something deep within me knew this was the path I had to take no matter how challenging it might be. That going back to a minimum wage job or trying to work around family and accommodate and employer was not for me.

I'll be honest, starting your own business is not all roses, and requires huge amounts of dedication and tenacity, hard work and refusal to give up when it gets tough.  You will have days you want to give up and question why you wanted to be your own boss in the first place. You have to know your why so strongly and so clearly, that it is your lighthouse in your dark moments of doubt, stress and panic.

Your "why" is what will get you through those hard days and rough patches. I will say that being an entrepreneur is certainly not for everyone. It depends on the person, and each individual situation, I am not going to tell you that this is correct for you or your family, that is for you to decide. It is not for the faint of heart that is for sure!

  My "why" is that I don't want someone else raising my children while I go to work for someone else. I want to work my own hours, live by my own rules, and do something meaningful with my life that serves others while it grows me. I want to live my life in a way that my passions are my work, and my work is my passion. That is essential for me.

The truth is that no matter who you are, and what you decide you want to do, to be successful over time- you have to continually grow yourself to grow your business. This has been a huge revelation for me. There are always opportunities to grow and learn from the tough times if we can see all obstacles as a path to expand and refine our tool to be better at what we do.

Taking the plunge into becoming an entrepreneur and riding the waves of ups and downs has changed me as a person, and I have grown in ways I never would have had I not followed my inner-calling.

On this path, it is also essential to surround yourself with other successful people who are also building their dream business, as well as seek out mentors and experts along the way to advise you and guide you along the way. This is essential. It wasn't until I started investing in business coaching and online business training programs, joining private Facebook groups to connect with other women building their own businesses, reading books about business, and networking with other like-minded entrepreneurs, that I really started to see real results in my business growth. It is so amazing that we have endless opportunities available to us through all of the wonderful online programs at our fingertips today. With the click of a button we can enroll in just about any online course or program from anywhere in the world - and learn right from our laptop at our own convenience.

If you are considering taking the plunge into starting your own business, or even if you have already begun but you are still unsure about whether this is the right thing for you, the Love Your Work Ignite Your Life is open for registration today! If you are ready to get serious about exploring the endless possibilities to create your dream life, which includes your dream career, this would be the perfect place to begin.

Being your own boss can be one of the most challenging yet rewarding ventures you will ever embark on, kind of like parenthood - we learn as we go, through the good times and stressful times, and times when we feel so joyous and fulfilled that we can sit back and say to ourselves, "this has been so worth it to get here" and really mean it.

Leanne Oaten
Holistic Therapist- R.P.C
leanneoaten.com