As I was laying in bed at 5:30 this morning, as it often happens, I am inspired by a new idea, or writing topic. This morning it was about how I tend to over- focus on the happiness and well being of my children, and I forget how to make myself happy. We see so many books and articles about how to raise happy and healthy kids, but what about the importance of being happy and healthy mothers? How much of our childs happiness and well being is related to how happy and balanced we are as moms? After all, our children learn what they see, and we set the example that they will eventually follow. So why not start early to set the example of how to care for our own health, and take responsibility for our own happiness?
Being a mom of 3, with 2 younger ones as well as a teenager, I know full well how difficult it can be to find my Zen, my grounded place where I can find my center of calm and happiness. No matter how chaotic it may feel, I have learned over the years how I can maintain my balance so that I can be more effective in all areas of my life. Here is some of the big lessons I have learned in the past 16 years about having a healthy, happy motherhood. I hope that some of these ideas inspire you!
1) Put yourself first. I know this may sounds counter intuitive, after all we are responsible for these little souls we are nurturing, feeding and caring for, however our children can only be as happy and balanced as we are. If we are last on the list of priorities, how well can we do our jobs effectively if we are stressed beyond our limits, and unhealthy because we fail to care for ourselves?
2) Pursue your own interests and passions. Whatever they are, just make the time for YOU! Even if it's for a short period of time, make time every day to do something you love.
3) Have a healthy social life. Keep in touch with friends, no matter how busy things are. Do make sure this time is with people who lift you up, and support you, not those who are negative and tend to make you feel worse after time spent with them.
4) Care for your body, mind, and soul. Read, move your body, eat wholesome food, make time for quiet and solitude, make a commitment to sit in silence every day for at least 10 minutes, just focusing on your breath, and how you are feeling, write in a journal, take hot Epsom salt and lavender baths in the evening, watch a hilarious movie, whatever it is that fills you up. Make a list of some of the things that bring you the most pleasure, and do 2 things every single day from the list. No excuses!
5) Don't take every single problem of difficulty your child is going through personally. Not every behavior, learning challenge, choice or health issue is because of something you did, or failed to do as a parent. Never tell yourself you are a failure, but look for the lesson, and learn and do better when you have more information, knowledge and experience. We are all just winging it as we go along.
6) Your best is always good enough. Your best will change from day to day, depending on what is going on. Illness, family crisis, personal issues, financial and marital challenges, or whatever you may find yourself working through that is making it difficult to function optimally, are all going to affect how you parent. Don't strive for perfect parenting, cut yourself a break, and strive for 'good enough' parenting. Again, make your self-care and balance a priority, this is not the time to let YOU time slide, it is time to crank it up a few more notches!
7) Get support. If you are struggling to find balance and feel anxious, overwhelmed or depressed often, seek the help of a counsellor or other alternative healer to work through your emotions, as soon as you notice you are not coping effectively with your responsibilities. Keeping it all bottled up inside is toxic to us, as well as our children if we are chronically unhappy. It is important that we are committed to our own learning, healing, and personal growth to be healthy and happy parents.
8) Forgive yourself. We all screw up from time to time, say things we wish later that we hadn't, yell a little louder than we meant to, lose our patience one more time, or make a decision we may later regret. We can't do anything about these times once they have happened, other than apologize when appropriate for being imperfectly human, and resolve to handle things better next time. No sense beating yourself up. Forgive yourself, and move on.
9) Enjoy the ride. Before you know it they will be 16 and counting down the days until they can move out. When our children are really little the days can feel really long, but the years feel much shorter as time passes. Motherhood is the most beautiful gift, through all of the ups and downs, in sickness and in health, it is truly a gift we have been given that we must never take for granted. We can resolve to make the most of our time together with our children, and look for all of the blessings we have been given, to have these little people in our lives. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
10) Embrace the messiness. Accept that parenthood can be messy at times. Whenever I am experiencing a challenge with one of my children, I remind myself of how grateful I am that they are here and alive on this planet with me to make a mess of the house, sass me, scream at me, not listen to me, or just make things really inconvenient at times. One day, the Barbies and dress up clothes will all be put away for good, and the house will be quiet, and I will miss these days. So, I choose to embrace all of it, with my full attention, because I know this too shall pass.
Leanne Oaten
Holistic Counsellor, Wellness Coach
www.soulworkcounselling.com
250-319-3630
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