I don't normally write about marriage and love relationships, because while I feel like I may have some expertise in many areas, I am no marriage expert by any means! But being that it is our 8th wedding anniversary today, I felt it was appropriate to honor this day by writing a little something about what I have learned over the course of my life about love, relationships, and marriage- and what it really takes to make it work.
I have worked with several couples over the past year, who were experiencing difficulties of all kinds, and while these issues often run deep, and things can get really messy and unclear, they all had some commonalities between them, often times, one or both partners are not feeling loved, valued, respected, and appreciated by their spouse.
Lets be real here, being in a long term relationship can be difficult at times, and sometimes it can feel like it is not working, and it may seem like things are not going well at all, and you may feel like running away from the problems. You may feel like all you do is hurt each other, or find you can't be in the same room together without getting on each others nerves. Maybe you are fighting everyday about silly, meaningless details, maybe you aren't feeling heard by your partner, or are feeling ignored and unappreciated. Perhaps, you have no time to spend alone together with work, life, kids, and other obligations, and you have forgotten why you fell in love in the first place. Or, maybe you feel like things truly are in harmony with your spouse, and you have a healthy balance of conflict, and disagreements, and fun loving time together. You likely feel supported by your mate in all areas, and feel respected and loved for your uniqueness, and the gifts you bring into the relationship. Wherever you are on your journey, hopefully some of my hard earned revelations, and insights will resonate with you.
So here it goes, my top 5 lessons about how to be happy and healthy in a relationship:
1. Each partner must own their own shit. Yep! This is probably the most important point to highlight. Keep your side of the street clean. Quit the blame game, and start looking within before you blame your partner for your problems, unhappiness, or that the dog peed on the floor. Ask yourself this question during any conflict or disagreement "What was my part to play in this situation?" This takes great inner strength to be able to reflect on your own poor behavior and fess up to it. If both partners are able to do this consistently, the conflict will diminish greatly, and both people will be able to move through the conflict in a loving way. If you are in a bad mood and afterwards realized you directed this at your partner, admit it. If something stressed you out about your day, and you took it out on your partner, own up to it. Apologize for your part, forgive and move on.
2. Take responsibility for your own happiness. It is so incredibly easy to blame someone else for our unhappiness, however; nobody can make us feel any certain way if we do not allow them to. (Obviously if you are in an abusive relationship, you are going to be very unhappy and this would be a time I would suggest looking at a safe way to exit the relationship, or at the very least seek professional help. If you are in danger, and your mind, body and soul are being damaged- you can not just put a happy face over top of this type of thing) but assuming you are in a somewhat stable relationship, where abuse does not exist, take some responsibility for your own life, and happiness. Deal with any unfinished emotional business from the past with a therapist of coach so it doesn't spill over into the relationship. Do some things to make your life more enjoyable, and fill your days with things that make you happy, and take some of the pressure off of your spouse to do it for you. Spend time alone filling yourself up with experiences that make your soul sing! You are in charge of your own happiness. Take a new class, find your passions and peruse them, see some friends, find a new hobby, exercise and get healthy and start taking charge of your own happiness.
3. Speak your truth-always. No matter how it is received by our partner, we must always find the courage to speak our truth, say how we feel, and be honest,- even if our voice shakes! Learning to stand up for yourself takes practice, and inner strength, but the more you do it the easier it becomes. Do not allow something to go unsaid, as it eventually piles up, and gets stored somewhere in the body. Over time, it has to be released and will manifest either in physical or mental illness, or in other cases, an end to the relationship. Stored, unexpressed feelings have to go somewhere, so choose to do the self~ loving thing, and say how you feel, with love, and release it in a healthy way, rather than suppressing your true feelings.
4. Choose peace over being right. In any situation, you can always choose peace and detach yourself from the situation-where appropriate. Be aware, that with every tense exchange of words, or every little conflict creates a stress response in the body, and this is not good! So, if you just do not want to go there, say nothing and leave the room. It works like magic!
5. Find ways to connect. We must make time for each other, no matter what is going on. I have heard the excuse many times, "we don't have time for each other" and my advice would be to find the time. Make it a priority to do little things together to invigorate your connection. It is essential for a healthy, vital, balanced relationship. Go for a hike, have lunch together, meet for coffee in the middle of the day, plan a date night in or out, and make the time for each other.
In a nutshell these are the top core aspects of a healthy, balanced marriage, from my point of view. I will also add, that this old idea that it takes another person, a 'special love' to complete us and make us whole is crap. Nobody can complete us, we must become whole and complete within ourselves, this is an inside job, not an outside job. When two damaged, and incomplete people come together to create a whole person, this often is a recipe for disaster. We must first be whole as individuals, and be able to come together as mature adults to have a healthy relationship together. We must be willing to grow together, change together, and evolve as individuals, as well as a couple. If one person is dedicated to inner growth and personal development, learning new self-awareness's, and has a willingness to learn and make things better, and the other is not interested, this can create distance. To have a healthy relationship requires both individuals willingness and openness to learn new ways of being in the relationship.
Feel free to share your comments below, or ask any questions.
Until next time,
Leanne
Leanne Oaten is a Holistic Counsellor and healthy living coach in Kamloops B.C.
She can be reached at 250-319-3630
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