Let me clarify before I go any further, you can't change your wife. The only person you have the power to change is you. However, if there are things happening in your relationship that you would like to see change, my advice is to put the focus on changing and growing yourself, not trying to change her.
We often go into a mode of hyper-focusing on what our partner is doing to avoid looking at our own part in the dynamic. It's much easier to point the finger and blame the other person, but nothing ever get resolved, and you will find that the never ending loop of the same old fights becomes a pattern in your relationship.
You see, we can inspire people to want to change through our own example, but if we try to control, criticize or condemn our partner for their behavior, for what they are doing and not doing, we just push them further away and increase the drama and negativity.
I'll be honest, my audience, clients and fan base is mostly made up of women. I truly love to empower, educate and inspire women to live their best life.
That said, I believe this gives me an advantage to hear what my female clients have to say when it comes to struggles and challenges they face in their intimate partnerships, whether married or coupled, there is a strong common theme to the underlying messages I hear from women that I know personally, and work with professionally.
I also recently took an amazing online relationship course designed specifically for women. My goal in taking this course was to deepen my understanding of conscious relationship to assist me with some personal challenges I have been having in my life and relationship, as well as to learn more so I can bring that knowledge back in to my work serving my clients.
During this course, I was involved in a private forum with over 100 other women also taking this program, and had the opportunity to observe what seem to be common deep core unmet needs and desires of these women struggling whether to stay or go in their relationships.
I am not a relationship expert, however I have made it my mission to use my marriage of 15 years, a platform for growth and self-awareness. This combined with all of what I observe and hear from married women, has given me many insights as to what us women truly need in intimate relationship.
Lets talk about sex.
Women need to feel emotionally safe, and connected to want to have sex, and men connect emotionally to their partner through having sex.
A hot topic that creates a lot of pain, conflict and strain in relationship is sex when their is a mismatched sexual desire among the couple. Often (but not always) the man desires more sex and is extremely unhappy with the lack of this in the relationship. I hear women telling me why they don't want to have sex with their husbands and I listen carefully to what is missing for them in the relationship. It is more common than you might think, to have this mismatch going on.
If this is a problem in your relationship, I recommend that you seek outside assistance in dealing with the root cause of the issue. Not having sex is not the problem, it is a symptom of a deeper problem that needs addressing.
I have compiled some big common core needs of women who are unhappy in their relationship (and not surprisingly, when asked about their sex life it is surely struggling or non-existent)
I was going to title this blog "Men: How to have more sex with your woman" but I decided to take the focus off of that, and bring it more toward the root cause of why intimacy and sex may be non-existent in your relationship in the first place.
There are a ton of books out there about marriage, and good thing for that, however you don't necessarily need to read a pile of books to make a profound positive shift in your relationship.
I want to start of by saying there is never any excuse for abusive behavior. Of any kind. Ever. I have worked with many women in my practice who didn't have a clue that they were in an emotionally abusive dynamic with their partner, because they weren't being hit or physically hurt. But as I dig deeper in session, I can see the warning signs and have an intuitive sense when this is present in a relationship. With further investigation, I discover that this is a factor in what she has come in to counselling for. Often she is depressed and extremely anxious and doesn't know why. This is something I am very passionate about, and believe that I need to share this message.
When I educate these women that being controlled belittled, mocked, called names, made fun of, having their feelings dismissed, yelled at and insulted is emotionally abusive behavior, they often experience confusion, shock and denial.
So guys, I understand and have an idea what you may be thinking here, this may sound extreme to call these behaviors abusive, but emotional and verbal abuse is real and hurts your woman (and children if you have any) on a very deep level if you are engaging in these behaviors. If you can see yourself in Signs of Emotional Abuse , and 21 Warning Signs of Emotional Abuse I highly recommend that you initiate getting some help with a skilled therapist that understands the dynamics of these patterns, that can help you to deal with the underlying reason that you may behave in these hurtful, damaging and toxic ways.
I can almost guarantee you, if you are behaving in these ways, your woman will not feel emotionally safe to come closer or let her guard down. And likely, your sex life is down the tubes. Yes?
* It is possible for women to emotionally abuse men as well, it is far less prevalent and common, but is does happen. I won't go into this here, but you can most certainly share the Signs of Emotional Abuse article with your partner, and make an agreement you will both work to build a more conscious and honorable relationship together through each of you doing your own personal work alone, and with your own individual counsellor to overcome the deeply rooted emotional issues that are manifesting in the marriage.
Couples counselling can be helpful, however it is essential to choose your therapist carefully. If you don't feel like progress is being made within the first few sessions, it may not be the right fit. Don't give up until you find the right help. You should feel an almost immediate sense of whether this is the right therapist for you or not in the first session. This goes for individual counsellors as well. Find someone you feel comfortable with that you feel you can work with.
So, now that this biggie is out of the way, and assuming this isn't the case, or maybe it is and you are determined to work on yourself and overcome it, there are many things you can begin doing today to build a closer connection, and a sense of safety in the relationship.
Here's the bottom line: women need to feel safe and protected in an intimate relationship. If the opposite is happening, and she feels tense, worried, or frightened or has her guard up, this is a recipe for an unhealthy, high conflict relationship that will be full of pain and suffering for both people.
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So, this can create a problem!
The answer? Both partners must do the work to become more emotionally intelligent, conscious and aware of their own inner process, and attuned to their partners needs. You see, relationship is a shared effort. Both people need to be willing to grow individually and together as a couple for the relationship to thrive on all levels.
Intimate relationship is one of the most powerful opportunities for growth, self- awareness and evolution. If our partner is annoying us, irritating us and making us crazy as our issue to resolve within ourselves, we stop the blame game and take personal responsibility for how we decide to show up in the relationship. Nobody is responsible for how you feel except for you. When we get this, we become empowered and better able to learn about ourselves and heal the wounds that the behavior is triggering.
Anything your partner does that triggers you to react or feel negative emotion, is another opportunity to learn about yourself. Asking yourself "why is this bothering me so much?' rather than thinking, "she's so annoying", "why can't she leave me alone?", "nothing I ever do is good enough" and so on..
So, now that I have laid a bit of ground here, I will cover 3 shifts you can make, outlining things to stop doing and saying to build a deeper connection and a more harmonious relationship. These new behaviors put together will have big impact on your relationship, if you can adopt them as your new way of being. Here we go.
1) "Calm Down", Why are you so upset?", " you are making too big a deal about this!" When your woman is upset, having an emotional overload moment, feels scared, stressed out or overwhelmed - even if you do not understand why, or see it as irrational . Tip: don't tell her to calm down if you truly want to improve things in your relationship!
When we are upset we want to feel seen and understood. Instead, ask her what you can do to help. Alternative: Listen to her without interrupting or trying to fix it. Guys tend to want to be the 'fixers' in the relationship, but she doesn't always want or need you to fix it. Simply listening and saying "I hear you, is there anything I can do to help?" is enough to build deep connection and dissolve any drama or conflict within seconds. Go a step further and offer to make her tea, or put the kids to bed while she watches her favorite show, make meals, tidy the house, lighten her load by doing something that will help - whatever it is, just ask yourself "what does she most need from me right now?" I can almost guarantee it is not someone discounting her experience, or telling her to calm down. Try this new behavior out, you will be amazed how she will start softening and coming toward you when you stop reacting to her emotions, and choose instead to respond mindfully and lovingly. Yes, this may be uncomfortable and feel very unnatural at first. But you can do this with practice! It will require you to begin to connect with your own emotions if you are going to be fully present and able to listen. Start by reading Why Emotionally Healthy People are Healthier People
Men who are uncomfortable with their own emotion will also be uncomfortable with their partners emotion.
2) "This house is a mess, what have you done all day?"
This one probably needs no explanation other than lets try something different. My guess is that if you have used a statement like this in the past, it probably wasn't well received!
Alternative: Check in with yourself, and ask how you can be part of the solution of keeping up with the house chores. Is it truly her job to take care of all the housekeeping? Try taking on a few of the house tasks to take some of the load off rather than placing blame. As in point #1, she will begin to feel some relief, and have more energy to put toward the relationship, if she sees you stepping up, and taking initiative in the home more often. This goes for a more hands on approach to raising the kids, and taking on some of those responsibilities where possible, as well.
3)" Why do you always have a problem, can't you just be happy?"
If your partner is coming to you repeatedly, genuinely trying to communicate to you that she is unhappy, or hurting as a result of your behavior, and you dismiss her, or deflect your behavior back on to her with a statement like this, she will likely feel immediately disconnected from you, and will eventually stop coming toward you altogether. When we are not able to resolve our conflicts in a healthy way, where both people feel heard, seen, and validated for their experience, it erodes the foundation of the relationship over time. Slowly, the couple will drift apart, and the marriage dissolves eventually leading to divorce or separation.
Alternative: Check in with yourself when she comes to you, and see if you can listen to what she is trying to convey. If you can practice this, and sit with the discomfort of whatever is coming up within you in the interaction (this takes skill and practice!) and just listen, and get curious about what she is trying to say, you will shift things in a very powerful way.
As long as she is able to bring her grievances to you in a respectful way, your job is to just listen and notice what is arising within you while she is talking. Then respond, rather than react.
A really good format is to listen. And then paraphrase: So what I hear you saying is [insert what you perceived from what was said] this will transform things in a big way!
If you can commit to practicing and mastering these 3 changes, while perhaps also working on yourself through seeing a counsellor that specializes in this area, and taking personal responsibility for what you bring to the relationship - rather than playing the blame game - you can build a relationship that is stronger than you ever thought possible.
But the big point I want to drive home here is that both partners must be committed to doing their own personal work individually, and possibly as a couple, to reverse deeply engrained and unhealthy patterns.
Just do the work. That's it! Yes, it is hard, and not fun to look at our flaws or dark side, but if we want to grow, and have a marriage that is healthy and flourishing for all involved, kids included, we must commit to being the change we want to see. Of course, there is always divorce, but the truth is that if you don't heal and resolve the issues that your partner is triggering within you in this relationship, you will just be living out the same scenarios in the next one. Nothing goes away until we have learned the lessons - so you can choose to leave the situation, or choose to be 100% in, and do all that you can to improve yourself and the relationship before making a decision about your relationship.
Marriage is hard, and requires work. If you have young children that can bring huge pressures with it, and complicate an already difficult situation. A healthy thriving relationship takes continual care, healthy conflict resolution skills, and cleaning up our own side of the street by taking care of ourselves and our emotional wounds from the past.
I'd love you hear from you. If you would like to share your experience with practicing these points, or you have any questions, feel free to connect with me via email: info@leanneoaten.com
If you would like some assistance with breaking toxic relationship patterns, I am available for in-person 1:1 sessions, or via Skype.
All the best,
Leanne Oaten R.P.C
Registered Holistic Counsellor
www.leanneoaten.com
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