For greater happiness and health- Choose Your Tribe Wisely

I remember with such clarity when things really started to change for me on my healing journey.
One of my mentors that has been a pivotal person on my journey, and I believe has assisted me in getting me to where I am today, said to me- "You don't have to do it all alone Leanne, it's OK to reach out and get support".

 As a counselor I know this to be true, however I was not living this in my own life. I've had so many negative experiences with seeing counsellors in my past, that I had given up with trying to find support. And I had very few people in my life at the time I could trust with my vulnerabilities and suffering. But one thing I know for sure, is that we definitely aren't meant to go through life in isolation, to go it alone and struggle through feeling lost, depressed, lonely, stuck, sick, hopeless and disconnected! 

For me, I have always worked hard to be a positive person, and want to be that positive light for others. I never want to burden or drag somebody else down with my problems and complaints. I even had guilt about coming in to see her when I was having a bad day, because I didn't want to bring my negative energy in with me and ruin her day- and I would always cancel on friends I had made plans with for this same reason. Sounds perfectly noble and caring of others feelings, right?

 Wrong! Having a belief that others can't be there for me in the dark times, when I am struggling and not at my best, held me back from connecting with others, and kept me isolated in my own personal hell for many, many years.

 The enemy of depression is isolation.

It is true that when one is depressed they don't want to go out and see others, but want to hide away behind closed doors and avoid the world. Everything is in black and white, life loses its color, and it can feel as though nothing can pull the depressed person out of the depths of their darkness. You could be staring at the most beautiful meaningful thing, but feel nothing at all. But, this is no life!

I have been there, and I do not ever want to feel that way again. That is why I am so passionate and dedicated to my well-being and health, and why I want to help others with what I have learned!

I am so grateful today to have had the revelation- I need people! And I can trust others to be there for me -even when I am at my worst.

In my past, I learned that others could not be trusted, and when I was suffering, sad and alone, nobody came to help. That is what I learned at a very early age, and carried with me into adulthood.

Now I choose to believe others can be trusted, and that I am worthy of mutually supportive relationships and receiving loving support from others who truly to have my best interest at heart.

With all of this said, I am very selective with who I share my vulnerabilities with. As author Brene Brown advises- people need to earn the right to our vulnerability, and to hear our story.

We need deep connections and rich relationships with others to be healthy physically, mentally and emotionally. What I have learned about discerning who those people are is the following. Maybe these tips can help you in deciding who you want to have in your circle , or who you need to attract into your circle that can support you to become your best self.

1) Trust your gut. If something feels wrong or off about a person, trust this feeling and either cut ties, or be very mindful about what you share with this person/people. If someone really has your best interests at heart, you will feel that when you are with them.

2) Observe how they speak about others. If they are always gossiping or talking negatively about other friends/people behind their backs, they will most likely do the same to you with your personal disclosures.

3) Choose people who are committed to their own growth process, and having authentic, trusting and loyal relationships who are on a path similar to you- or a few levels above- where you want to be. The best friends we can have are ones who are there for us to assist us in our evolution. If someone is dragging you down, it may be time to reassess that relationship.

4) How do you FEEL in their presence? Tense on edge? Guarded? Do you have a knot in your stomach? Or, relaxed, calm and at ease? Trust your feelings, they never lie!

5) How do you feel after having spent time with them? If every single time you spend time with someone you leave with a stomach ache, headache, or feel depressed, anxious or totally drained, listen to these messages your body is sending! It is one thing if someone is having a bad day or going through a rough time, we need to be there for others in their time of need, I am speaking more of a pattern that becomes the norm. Tune into your body, it is our barometer for how we are affected by what is happening around us!

We can have compassion and let people go with love if they are not serving our highest good. We can wish them well, and say no thank you and move on. We can choose to love ourselves enough to only allow high quality people in our lives! YOU deserve to have rich and fulfilling relationships. You are the creator of your life. Start being more intentional about who you will and will not allow into your heart and life.

With love and gratitude,
~Leanne Oaten- Holistic Counsellor, R.P.C,c
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